Maybe in another Universe
Could easily be considered one of the most soul crushing, unrequited kinds of love.
Although this experience was one of my biggest heartbreaks it was also one of my greatest loves, becoming a lesson in true love, self love.
That heartbreak led me on a divine excursion to the deepest inward parts of me while allowing me the opportunity to experience a level of romance I didn’t even know existed.
But let’s rewind before we dive into the meaning and blending of notions, dreams and reality.
The White Picket Fence Illusion
I was in a 12 year, white picket fence kind of relationship, with two kids, a dog and a cat. It was the kind of relationship people idolized on the outside, but on the inside, it was awfully different. I won’t dive into the horrors, but I’ll just say it took me many times to leave. And when I was finally able to stand strong enough, it almost took me to my death, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically to fully separate.
When I finally made it out, I made a pact with myself, I would be single and celibate for the rest of my life.
I was shamed horribly for sex during that relationship, so much so they made me question my sexuality, as something must have been wrong with me right?
Regardless, that relationship taught me more and caused me more ptsd than all my childhood trauma combined, so it was only natural to write off men entirely.
Although, I wrote off men, I didn’t write off the possibility of written in the stars, one of a kind, spiritually destined, true love. No, I held that ideology very close.
Honestly, that is my religion.
My Religion is True Love
I remember a therapist asked me why I hadn’t killed myself yet, I responded by saying, “because I hold on to this hope, that there is something better out there, that all this suffering is leading me to something better than this.”
A part of that was holding on to this idea that my true love was out there, healing, growing and making their way toward me too.
But I was and am still not open to dating, unless divinely guided by the universe.
A couple of years after that separation, I finally realized I was ready. I was tired of holding it all together, all alone, I just wanted to rest my head on the chest of a man who truly loved me and who truly made me feel safe. I cried horribly at this realization, because it's a vulnerability you’re acknowledging.
It hurts very much to hold on to longing. But I let myself cry, and then as I always do, I picked myself up, I gave myself love, and I kept going.
The Universe’s First Gift
Within two weeks, the universe gifted me my first divine masculine.
But this isn’t the one who told me, “maybe in another universe.” No, I get to go on quite some adventures of self discovery before we meet him.
Either way, this initial gift was one of the most passionate experiences of my life. My workshop neighbor, who I had barely acknowledged since they moved in a year prior, walked in during the peak of a full moon.
I was aware of the moon's timing, and aware that I was open for the first time, and when he walked him, he felt it too because it wasn’t long until he had me up against the wall. After, he blamed the moon, apologizing, as he "had never done something like this before."
One of the most telenovela experiences I have ever had, unexpected, intense and fleeting. I didn't even know his name.
And to my dismay, he was moving across the country the next day. Grateful as much as the temporary love ended up hurting momentarily, I appreciated the universe wouldn’t let him go without making sure we connected. It was a bittersweet experience I will be honest, I was awfully sad that it ended and it took me a few weeks to recover.
Regardless, what this notion proved to me was that I wasn’t alone, I was exactly where I was meant to be.
Rebuilding From the Ashes
I spent the next 6 months completely consumed in my life and business. Before my experience with him, I was the most depressed I had ever been, on the verge of bankruptcy and on the verge of losing my business.
But after, I figured out how to save it all.
I spent the next few months learning everything I could about optimizing cash flow, ROI’s, resource allocation, financial audits, profit margins, you name it, I learned it.
And when I finally caught my breath after saving my business and myself, I got that wave again. The one that let me know I was ready, ready to rest my head on the chest of a man who loved me.
One afternoon, I end up getting an overwhelming urge, like my heart just starting pounding and I couldn't’ resist following up with an old friend who had reached out to me a few months prior.
Little did I know, this next divine masculine ends up being the most romantic and spiritually charged connection I’ve ever had. Pulled together by a silver cord.
Silver cords are often thought to be spiritual tether between souls. Pull at each other when they least expect it.
Both, he and I, acknowledged the spiritual under tone of our coming together. Noting how out of left field yet how we felt like we had known each other deeply, consumed with this intense and overwhelming connection quickly came to be. This connection left me the most physically and spiritually satisfied I had ever been in a relationship.
I fell very hard for this one and it took me quite some time to reckon with the separation. But our timing wasn't yet, as we were both, not ready for our written in the stars, spiritually destined true love, no, we still had work to do. And so, reluctantly, I stayed on my path and he stayed on his.
I was angry with the universe for a while after this experience. How could it let me experience one of the most beautiful experiences, just to rip it away? But I continued to trust, and I just kept going, everyday. I kept working at my life, my home, my goals and my work. And it quickly became clear, the universe was indeed priming me, "for something better than this."
Within a few weeks, I figured out what I want to focus my PhD studies on. I wrote a book of poems, started a new project, got completely out of debt, made 20k in cash and was able to breathe for the first time in years and stand the strongest I ever have in my entire life.
Manifesting the Life You Love
I’ve been celibate and single for 4 years now. Yet I’ve gotten the pleasure of experiencing the most passionate and spiritually guided love I ever knew existed. Perhaps breadcrumbs on my journey, but I can’t wait to see what the universe has in store next.
Because if we’re pattern people, it’s easy to see, it’s only getting better from here.
Being celibate has allowed me to put all the attention on myself, for the first time in my whole life, and it’s allowed me to take care of me, to hear me, to believe in me and all the dreams i have.
And it’s also allowed me to understand, as painful as it felt, why yes, “maybe in another universe,” because in this one, I’m only deserving of the best.
So I wish leave you with this notion, to love yourself. Love your days, your home, your children, your co-workers, your work. And if you don’t love it, figure out why, and figure out how to change it so that you can live a life you love.
Tend Your Garden
Manifestation starts by dreaming.
Dreaming helps you see what you want, dreaming helps you feel what you deserve, and dreaming helps you know when to take action so that your dreams may become your reality.
Sometimes we have to shed and lose everything we thought we needed, so that we may become and receive all that we are meant for.
Even when it doesn't feel like it, you are exactly where you need to be, and there’s a reason you’re here.
So tend your garden, the one on the inside, the one close to your heart and soul, and trust if you keep working toward your dreams, the universe will be right next to you the entire way, gifting you with experiences that are sweeter than you ever dreamed.
Just keep going little Warrior and trust the universe to guide you and check out our other blog posts, offerings, the Letter Club and newest project, Awaken My Love to help you along your journey.
In Darkness & In Light,
Your Beloved Shadow Guide
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